Oil Change

[BANTAM38@xxxx]

> The Oil Change
> Oil Change instructions for Women:
> 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last
> oilchange.
> 2) Drink a cup of coffee.
> 3) 30 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained
> vehicle.
> Money spent:
> Oil Change $20.00
> Coffee $1.00
> Total $21.00
> * * * * * * * * * *
> Oil Change instructions for Men:
> 1)Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,
> filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for
> $50.00.
> 2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive
> home.
> 3) Open a beer and drink it.
> 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
> 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
> 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
> 7) Place drain pan under engine.
> 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
> 9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
> 10) Unscrew drain plug.
> 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on face and arms in
> process. Cuss.
> 12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms. Throw kitty
> litter on spilled oil.
> 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
> 14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
> 15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and
> twist off.
> 16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
> everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can
> to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
> 17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil
> change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener work.
> 18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change". Drag pan
> full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back
> yard instead of taking it to recycle.
> 19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
> 20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
> 21) Walk to 7 - 11; buy beer.
> 22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket
> surface.
> 23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
> 24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
> 25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
> 26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along
> with drain plug.
> 27) Drink beer
> 28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily patch
> of ground and avoid environmental penalties.. Wash drain plug in lawn mower
> gas.
> 29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty
> litter on oil spill.
> 39) Drink beer.
> 31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oilyrag
> used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain
> plug and bang knuckles on frame.
> 32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
> 33. Begin cussing fit.
> 34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
> 35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss August in the
> left boob.
> 36. Beer.
> 37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
> 38) Beer.
> 39) Beer
> 40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
> 41) Beer.
> 42) Lower car from jack stands.
> 43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
> 44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during
> steps 23-43.
> 45) Beer.
> 46) Test drive car.
> 47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
> 48) Car gets impounded.
> 49) Call loving wife, make bail.
> 50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
> 
> Money spent:
> Parts $50.00
> DUI $2500.00
> Impound fee $75.00
> Bail $1500.00
> Beer $40.00
> 






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