Thhis is 'Dummer'
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Thhis is 'Dummer'
- From: "hh7x@xxxx" <hh7x@xxxx>
- Date: Mon, 20 Oct 2003 12:37:31 -0400
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<div align="left"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt">Found this on a Pacer List :</span></font></div>
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<div align="left"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt">Enjoy !  .</span></font></div>
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<div align="left"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt">      Brien.</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt"> NEW YORK</span></font></div>
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<div align="left"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt">Subject: Oil Change</span></font></div>
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<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> The Oil Change</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> Oil Change instructions for Women:</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> oilchange.</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> 2) Drink a cup of coffee.</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> 3) 30 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> vehicle.</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> Money spent:</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> Oil Change $20.00</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> Coffee $1.00</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> Total $21.00</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> * * * * * * * * * *</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> Oil Change instructions for Men:</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> 1)Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> $50.00.</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> 2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> home.</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> 3) Open a beer and drink it.</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> 7) Place drain pan under engine.</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> 9) Give up and use crescent wrench.</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> 10) Unscrew drain plug.</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on face and arms in</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> process. Cuss.</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> 12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms. Throw kitty</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> litter on spilled oil.</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> 14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> 15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> twist off.</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> 16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> 17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener work.</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> 18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change". Drag pan</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> yard instead of taking it to recycle.</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> 19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> 20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> 21) Walk to 7 - 11; buy beer.</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> 22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> surface.</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> 23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> 24) Remember drain plug from step 11.</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> 25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> 26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> with drain plug.</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> 27) Drink beer</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> 28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily patch</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> of ground and avoid environmental penalties.. Wash drain plug in lawn mower</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> gas.</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> 29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> litter on oil spill.</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> 39) Drink beer.</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> 31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oilyrag</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> plug and bang knuckles on frame.</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> 32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> 33. Begin cussing fit.</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> 34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> 35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss August in the</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> left boob.</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> 36. Beer.</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> 37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> 38) Beer.</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> 39) Beer</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> 40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> 41) Beer.</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> 42) Lower car from jack stands.</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> 43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> 44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> steps 23-43.</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> 45) Beer.</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> 46) Test drive car.</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> 47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> 48) Car gets impounded.</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> 49) Call loving wife, make bail.</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> 50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> </span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> Money spent:</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> Parts $50.00</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> DUI $2500.00</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> Impound fee $75.00</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> Bail $1500.00</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> Beer $40.00</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial" color="#7f0000"><span style="font-size:10pt">> </span></font></div>
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<div align="left"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt">   Date: Mon, 20 Oct 2003 10:17:37 EDT</span></font></div>
<div align="left"><font face="Arial"><span style="font-size:10pt">   From: </span></font><font face="Arial" color="#008000"><span style="font-size:10pt"><u>BANTAM38@xxxx</u></span></font></div>
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