Re: [AMC-list] I had to send it

[Ken Ames <ameskg@xxxxxxxxx>]

This one has been floating around the net for probably 10 years. I think I have
an even longer version at home. : )

Ken


Quoting Don <don_nsx@xxxxxxxxxxxx>:

> Tools Explained 
> (Here's a list of tools and their typical usage. Anyone who has spent time
> working on cars will be able to relate to this.)
> 
> HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used
> as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the
> object we are trying to hit.
> 
> MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
> cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes
> containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.
> 
> ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their
> holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar
> mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that
> goes to the rear axle.
> 
> PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
> 
> HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle.
> It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more
> you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
> 
> VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they
> can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
> 
> OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage
> cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What
> wife would think to look in there?) because you can never remember to buy
> lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell.
> 
> ZIPPO LIGHTER: See oxyacetelene torch.
> 
> WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
> motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old Salems from
> the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.
> 
> DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal
> bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
> your beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster
> over the bench grinder.
> 
> WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under
> the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and
> hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Django
> Reinhardt".
> 
> HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you
> have installed a set of Ford Motor sports lowered road springs, trapping the
> jack handle firmly under the front air dam.
> 
> EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a
> hydraulic jack.
> 
> TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
> 
> PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another
> hydraulic floor jack.
> 
> SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading
> mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
> 
> E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is
> ten times harder than any known drill bit.
> 
> TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on
> crankshaft pulleys.
> 
> TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength
> of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to
> disconnect. 
> 
> CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that
> inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without
> the handle.
> 
> BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from
> a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your
> battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
> 
> AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
> 
> TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop
> light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not
> otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose
> is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer
> shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the
> Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
> 
> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-
> and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name
> implies, to round-out Phillips screw heads.
> 
> AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power
> plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by
> hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts
> last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds
> them off.
> 
>  
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